Sound clips from There’s Something About Mary
Baseball.wav (37K)
Warren: Have you seen my baseball?
Weiner.wav (24K)
Warren: Have you seen my weiner?
Name.wav (84K)
Mary: Thanks, Ted.
Ted: I couldn’t believe it she knew my name. Some of my best friends didn’t know my name.
Prom.wav (557K)
Mary: Thanks for walking us back.
Ted: Yeah, no problem.
Mary: So are you going to the prom?
Ted: Huh? Oh… uh I don’t… I think proms are… dumb.
Mary: ‘Cause I thought maybe we could go together.
Ted: Oh you’re gonna go with like a bunch of people. You want like a designated driver?
Mary: No! no I mean you and me like we could go together the two of us.
Ted: You and me?
Mary: Yeah. Well, is that a yes or no?
Ted: Sure! Alright.
Mary: Good cool. I’m gonna take Warren, back inside I’ll see you at school.
Ted: Cool catch you back at school.
Liar.wav (78K)
[after Mary asks Ted to the prom]
Ted (narrating): From that moment on, the guys at school looked at me in a whole new light.
Ted’s friend: You’re a fucking liar!
WhoopAss.wav (27K)
Mary’s step-father: Don’t make me have to open up a can of whoop ass on ya! Hear?
Zipper.wav (214K)
[scene when Ted, gets his dick caught in his zipper]
Stuck.wav (338K)
Mary’s step-father: Exactly what the hell is the situation here? What did you shit yourself or something?
Ted: Oh I wish. I got it stuck
Mary’s step-father: You got what stuck?
Ted: It!
Mary’s step-father: Oh! It um well uh…uh listen it’s not the end of the world. These kind things happen. Lets have a look at it. OH for God and heaven sakes!
FrankortheBeans.wav (172K)
Mrs. Jensen: What exactly are we looking at here?
Ted: What do you mean?
Mary’s step-father: Is it the frank or the beans?
Bleeder.wav (145K)
Cop: It’s just like pulling off a Band-Aid. A one and a two and a…
Paramedic: WE GOT A BLEEDER!
Affirmative.wav (156K)
Pat: It looks like we found your Mary, Ted. Husband? Negative. Children and a Labrador? Negative. Tight little package? Affirmative.
HotDogsandBeer.wav (233K)
Mary: I want a guy who can play 36 holes and still have enough energy to take me and Warren, to a ball game and eat hot dogs. I’m talking sausage hot dogs beer not light beer, but beer. That’s my add print it up.
Mary’s friend: Umm fatty who likes beer and golf. Jeez Mary, where you gonna find a gem like that?
Vibrator.wav (113K)
Mary: To hell with Bret. I’ve got a vibrator.
BigBoned.wav (212K)
Pat: Let me ask you something. Was Mary a little big boned back in high school?
Ted: Big boned? No no not at all.
Pat: Then I guess she packed on a few pounds over the years.
Ted: Oh yeah, so she’s a little chubby.
Pat: Oh I’d say about a deuce deuce and a half. Not bad.
RiceARoni.wav (225K)
Ted: Miami? What are you doing in Miami?
Pat: I took a job offer
Ted: With who?
Pat: With uh… RiceARoni.
Ted: Isn’t that the San Francisco treat.
Pat: It was, they’re changing their image.
GoofyBastards.wav (80K)
Pat: Those goofy bastards are just about the best thing I’ve got going in this… crazy world.
ShitDontStink.wav (24K)
Pat: What do you think your shit don’t stink?
FuckingWithYou.wav (184K)
Ted: Hey what are you doing tonight? You think you might wanna maybe, I don’t know, go out to dinner, you know, catch up on old times?
Mary: Didn’t we just do that?
Ted: Oh uh…
Mary: I’m fucking with you Ted.
CleanThePipes1.wav (537K) CleanThePipes1.mp3 (196K)
Ted: I don’t know Dom. I don’t feel good. I feel nervous. I really feel nervous
Dom: Oh come on relax. You been to the cash machine?
Ted: Yeah
Dom: Car clean?
Ted: Uh huh
Dom: Plenty of gas?
Ted: Uh huh
Dom: Um breath how’s your breath?
Ted: It’s fine I had some altoids.
Dom: Alright I think you’re all set. So just go clean the pipes and lets go.
Ted: Huh?
Dom: You know clean the pipes.
Ted: What do you mean clean the pipes?
Dom: You choke the chicken before any big date don’t you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God he doesn’t flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That’s like going out there with a loaded gun! Of course that’s why you’re nervous.
CleanThePipes2.wav (47K)
Dom: Alright I think you’re all set. So just go clean the pipes and lets go.
CleanThePipes3.wav (202K)
Dom: You choke the chicken before any big date don’t you? Tell me you spank the monkey before any big date. Oh my God he doesn’t flog the dolphin before a big date. Are you crazy? That’s like going out there with a loaded gun!
LoadedGun1.wav (520K) LoadedGun1.mp3 (189K)
Dom: Look, after you’ve had sex with a girl and you’re lying in bed with her, are you nervous?
Ted: No
Dom: No no you’re not. Why?
Ted: Because I’m tired.
Dom: Wrong! It’s cause you ain’t got the baby batter in the brain anymore. That stuff will fuck your head up! Look, the most honest moment in a mans life are the few minutes after he’s blown his load. Now that is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you’re no longer trying to get laid you’re actually thinking like a girl and girls love that.
Ted: Holly shit! I’ve been going out with a loaded gun.
Dom: People get hurt that way.
LoadedGun2.wav (256K)
Dom: The most honest moment in a mans life are the few minutes after he’s blown his load. Now that is a medical fact. And the reason for it is that you’re no longer trying to get laid you’re actually thinking like a girl and girls love that.
Ted: Holly shit! I’ve been going out with a loaded gun.
Dom: People get hurt that way.
Love.wav (26K)
Tucker: I LOVE HER MAN!
HairGel.wav (158K)
Mary: What is that?
Ted: Huh?
Mary: On your ear.
Ted: On my ear?
Mary: No, your left ear. Is that… is that hair gel?
MeatsOnSticks.wav (370K)
Mary: You know I don’t think that they have enough meats on sticks. No, seriously.
Ted: Really?
Mary: If you think about it they have plenty of sweets right? They have lolli pops, they have fudge sickles, they have pop sickles, but they don’t have any other meat on sticks.
Ted: Yes, you don’t see that many meats on sticks. You know what I would like to see? I’d like to see more meat in a cone. You don’t hardly ever see that. That’s an idea that I think is waiting to pop. Just like a nice big over stuffed waffle cone full of chopped liver.
bisexual.wav (370K)
Ted: How about you? How did you manage to stay single all these years?
: Well, I’m bisexual so that’s hard for allot of guys to understand.
Ted: Well, you know I read somewhere that most women, if you really ask them honestly have tendencies toward… uh… I mean everybody has…
Mary: Ted, I’m fucking with you.
Stalker.wav (80K)
Tucker: Stalking mother fucker!
Pat: I know it sickens me.
Happy.wav (309K)
Ted: I just want you to be happy Mary.
Mary: But I’d be happiest with you.
Ted: You’re fucking with me right? What about Brett Fav… ruh?
Mary: What I tell you when we first met? I’m a 9ners fan.
7MinuteAbs.wav (155K)
Hitchhiker: You heard of this thing the 8 minute abs?
Ted: Yeah, sure 8 minute abs yeah, the exercise video.
Hitchhiker: Yeah, well this is going to blow that right out of the water. Listen to this, 7 minute abs.
Masturbating.wav (23K)
Warren: He was masturbating!
CockTease.wav (94K)
Dom: Hey Brett, what are the chances I could get ya to give me a little autograph on this pump here? Something nice for the wife and kids.
Mary: What!
Dom: Ah shut up… cock tease!
Fired.wav (53K)
Hitchhiker: Step into my office!
Ted: Why?
Hitchhiker: Cause you’re fucking fired!
Raid.wav (111K)
Cop: This is a raid!
Ted: No, no no no I was peeing!
Man1: That’s what I was doing, I was just peeing.
Man2: I was peeing too.
Cop: Yeah, I’m sure you’re all just pissing.
NotSix.wav (49K)
Hitchhiker: No! no no, not six! I said seven!
7Chipmunks.wav (93K)
Hitchhiker: Seven chipmunks twirling on a branch, eating lots of sunflowers on my uncles ranch. You know that old children’s tale from the sea!
Frank&Beans.wav (13K)
Warren: FRANKS AND BEANS!