Being John Malkovich

Sound clips from Being John Malkovich

Craig: Actually my name is Craig Schwartz, Dr. Lester.
Dr. Lester: Security.
Craig: No, sir, it’s….just a little mix up with your secretary. My name is Craig Schwartz. I tried to explain that to her.
Dr. Lester : She’s not my secretary. She’s what they call an Executive Liaison. And I’m not banging her, if that’s what you’re implying.
Craig: No sir, not at all. I think I must have simply misspoke.

Craig: How old are you, sir?
Dr. Lester: 105. Carrot juice. Lots of it. I swear, sometimes it’s not worth it, I piss orange. And I have to piss sitting down, like a goddamn girlie-girl, every 15 minutes

Craig: I like you. I don’t know what it is about you, but I….just…
Maxine: My tits?
Craig: No, no…no.
Maxine: No?
Craig: No, it’s your energy. Your attitude. The way you carry yourself.
Maxine: You’re not a fag, are you?
Craig: No, no…I am really attracted to you.
Maxine: I am really attracted to you…Christ, you are a fag. Okay, well, we can share recipes if you’d like, darling.
Craig: No, no, no wait, I love your tits. I love them. I want to fuck em’!
Maxine: Good, Great. Now we’re getting somewher.! Not a chance.

Lottie: Being inside did something to me. I knew who I was. It was like everything made sense, you know? I knew who I was
Craig: But you weren’t, you were John Malkovich.
Lottie: I was, wasn’t I? I was John Malkovich.

John: The weird thing is this Maxine likes to call me Lottie.
Charlie: Ouch. That is hot. Maybe she’s using you to channel some dead lesbian lover, sounds like my kind of gal. Let me know when you’re done with her, yeah.
John: What are you talking about, done with her, tonight really freaked me out.

Craig: There’s a tiny door in my office, Maxine. It’s a portal, and it takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich’s eyes, and then after about 15 minutes, you’re spit out into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike.
Maxine: Sounds great. Who the fuck is John Malkovich!?