As Good As It Gets

Sound clips from As Good as It Gets

NewYork.wav (94K)
[dumping Verdell down the garbage chute]
Melvin Udall (Jack Nicholson): This is New York. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere.

SweetHeart.wav (27K)
Melvin: Do you get me sweetheart?

Attitude.wav (45K)
Frank Sachs (Cuba Gooding Jr.): I grew up in hell homeboy. My grandmother had more attitude.

Crotch.wav (44K)
Melvin: People who talk in metaphors ought to shampoo my crotch.

Attitude2.wav (116K)
Melvin: What are you trying to intimidate me with the attitude? My grandmother has more attitude than you. Go shakedown a 711 for a day old wiener.

LikeMe.wav (234K)
Melvin: Don’t be like me. Don’t you be like me. You stay just the way you are ’cause you are a perfect man, and I’m going to take you home and get you something to eat.

AsItGets.wav (27K)
Melvin: What if this is as good as it gets?

ShutUp.wav (53K)

PissAnt.wav (150K)
[imitating Melvin (Jack Nicholson)]
Simon Bishop (Greg Kinnear): Well here I am sweetheart. Happy to see me ya little piss ant mop. How about another ride down the chute.

Women.wav (101K)
Woman: How do you write women so well?
Melvin: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.

Crazy1.wav (161K)
Melvin: Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City “Sailor wanna hump-hump” bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we’re all stocked up here.

Crazy2.wav (65K)
Melvin: Sell crazy someplace else we’re all stocked up here.

Shit.wav (33K)
Melvin: This place smells like shit.

Knees.wav (74K)
Melvin: No need to stop being a lady. You’ll be back on your knees in no time.

BetterMan.wav (41K)
Melvin: You make me want to be a better man.

Serious.wav (36K)
Melvin: Think white and get serious!

Stiff1Eye.wav (68K)
Melvin: I’m afraid he might pull the stiff one eye on me.

Intro.wav (39K)
Melvin: Carol the waitress. Simon the fag.

Stories.wav (341K)
Melvin: Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats, and friends, and noodle salad just no one in this car, but allot of people that’s their story good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you’re that pissed that so many others had it good.

Dance.wav (92K)
Carol Connelly (Helen Hunt): You want to dance?
Melvin: Well I’ve been thinking about that since you brought it up before.
Carol: And?
Melvin: No.

Never.wav (264K)
Melvin: Never! Never interrupt me. O.K.? Not if there’s a fire. Not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home, and one week later there’s a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body. And you have to hold a hanky to your face, because the stench is so thick you think you’re going to faint. Even then don’t come knocking.

BrightLife.wav (270K)
[scene when Melvin performs “Bright Side of your Life” on the piano]

Nightmare.wav (180K)
Woman: You have no idea what your work means to me.
Melvin: What does it mean to ya?
Woman: That somebody out there knows what it’s like to be in here.
Melvin: Oh God, this is like a nightmare.

HMO.wav (110K)
Carol: Fucking HMO bastards pieces of shit! I’m sorry.
Doctor: It’s okay. Actually, I think that’s their technical name.

NoSexOaths.wav (125K)
Melvin: Well, I’m sorry, but… we don’t open for the “no sex oaths” until 9am.

Hug.wav (65K)
Melvin: Soak it up. It’s your last chance for a hug for a few days.

Trip.wav (312K)
Melvin: I’ve got the whole trip programmed. [plays YMCA on the radio] I’m just kidding. I wanted to see what you’d do. No, seriously, we got good stuff here. [plays some Van Morrison]

Drowning.wav (153K)
Melvin: Look you. I’m very intelligent. If you’re gonna give me hope you got to do better than you’re doing. I mean if you can’t be at least mildly interesting then shut the hell up! I mean I’m drowning here, and you’re describing the water!

LoveYou.wav (117K)
Simon: I love you.
Melvin: I tell you, buddy… I’d be the luckiest man alive if that did it for me.

Greatest.mp3 (418K)
Melvin: I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you’re the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, “Spence,” and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that’s all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me…